Teardrops.

It's Raining...


I like the sound it makes on when it patters on the roof, I like the smell of the air when it rains and I like the cool feeling of the air on my face when it's raining. It's comforting to me. I do this all the time when I lose interest in other things. When life gets too hard and even simple activities feel meaningless, sometimes just looking out the window and watching the rain fall brings me the tiniest bit of joy. Of course there are other things that I watch out the window sometimes.

There's a row of apartments across the street from where I live. Sometimes when I'm watching the rain come down I see people arriving and leaving. One of the most eye-catching people I've seen is this girl, I think she's in high school. She's very, very pretty, but I don't feel comfortable saying that to anyone. Not that I have anyone to say that to, aside from my mother and I don't need her accusing me of being a stalker or a rapist. Christ, I'd wish she'd stop watching Cops and Attorneys. All that has nothing to do with anything, though. I just kind of admire this girl.

Most of the time I see her like she is now, going to and from school. Clearly that's a Catholic school uniform, and though I'd probably blow my brains out before going to back to a Catholic school, or any school for that matter, I love the way it looks on her. The floofy skirt, the fancy blouse, those pretty stockings, the smart two-inch wide-heeled shoes. Wow, she just rocks that look! If I had an outfit like that, I'd never take it off! Then again, I've seen her come out in other kinds of more casual clothes too, and she looks so cute all the time and never needs to smut herself up or stomp around in guy clothes like girls I've met before.

In all honesty, there's more I admire about her than that. I see how often her friends come around and she always seems so nice and sweet with them. It really amazes me how much they love her in return.  You can see the kindness in her eyes to, so you know it's genuine. Maybe it's more than just her though, her friends all seem like nice and fun people. I mean there's that one kid who lives below her, he seems nice. I don't think they go to the same school though. Still they live so close, I wonder if they date. Plus I've seen a couple other guys and girls come by the place together. I bet she has a lot of guys who want to date her. She never seems smug about it though. Plus she has a lot of girlfriends, too. I bet they are all really happy and never get into fights. I've never had friends like that, or any friends really.

The one that seems the most kind, though, is her mom. She seems like such a wonderful person, she's got to be way better than the bitch that birthed me. I mean I wouldn't know the details about them or anything like that, but I do see a lot of happiness between them and a mom who raised her that well can't be a bad mom. I would know, I have a bad mom. She ignores me or she tells me what an awful person I am and that she'd be happier if I wasn't here. Still my mom isn't nearly as horrible as my dad was... Then there's that tall girl moved in with them a month or so ago, I bet she's her older sister or something. I wish I had an older sister. I mean I have a sister, but she's younger and a spoiled bitch and I hate her. Maybe having a twin sister would be nicer, than she might understand me.

I know that she probably has a lot of problems that I couldn't know about, most people do or so I'm told. She's so free though, she gets to be herself and not have to live a lie. Not to have to be forced to wear ugly men's clothing and to be subjected to the stupidity of being picked on by every idiot because you aren't able to properly fake their stupid dick-waving machismo. Then have to be told by everyone what a freak or an abomination you are because you feel different. Even my own mother told me I was nuts and that I should never bring it up again. I wish I knew why she hates me so much when she spends so much time with my spoiled brat sister and druggie brother. It's so painful to be stuck as some freakish fat kid that no one liked and I sure didn't want to be the boy that everyone hated and always beat up. Hell, I didn't want to be a boy at all...  I wanted to be like her. She's so pretty, so nicely dressed, and so, so kind. Plus, she gets to be exactly who she wants to be all the time and no one ever looks down on her for it.

She'd probably never understand, but that's alright. She doesn't know I exist anyway and that's probably for the best. I'm too old to hang out with teenagers, supposedly. The problem is I still feel like a teenager, I never really grew up. How could I living like this, I feel like a prisoner in my own home and in my own body. Really though, I'm just glad that she didn't have to go through all the pain that I did, I'm glad none of them had to. I'd never wish this pain on another person, even if they hated me. No one deserves this. No one at...OH CRAP!

Phew... That was close, I thought she was looking at me for a second there.  I shouldn't open these drapes so wide. God I hope they don't think I'm a stalker and calls the cops or anything, but...No I don't think she saw me, at least I hope not. I guess I should go lie down for now then. At least I can still hear the rainfall, it soothes my soul. It's almost like God is crying with me, so I don't have to cry alone...



"Hey, Aunt Fara? Do you know the people who live in that white house across street?"

"No, I can't say I do. I think it's just an older woman who lives there, sometimes I see her going to work in the mornings. Why are you asking, Rain?"

"No reason, I just thought I saw someone looking out the window."